Dear Oliver,

Lately your meltdowns have been more frequent and I am having a hard time.  I was thinking about honesty the other day and wondering how honest I should be with you.  Should I tell you things that are true but might upset you?  Should I tell you everything about our daily lives even the things that are hard to say?  This is a collection of memories for you to read over when you get older and see what I see as you grow and mature into who you will become for life. We always want to show the good side of life.  Never mentioning the hard times.  The human times. So in this post I am going to be honest Oliver.

Yesterday as you were having your normal afternoon meltdown, I went through a range of different emotions.  Sad, happy, angry, hopeful, and determined.  I cried and thought to myself, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be a momma right now.”  Immediately I felt guilty but it was the truth.  Sometimes I scream into a pillow and wonder why you were chosen to have autism.  Why can’t you just tell me what you need?  Why can’t you show me in any way why the hell you are crying and screaming and holding my leg for hours.  I want to run away sometimes.  I often think I might not be strong enough.  I feel for you Oliver.  I want to help you, but I don’t know how and that makes me furious sometimes.

Then when the meltdowns are over and you are back to yourself, the Oliver that I know and love, I realize that I just might be strong enough.  Maybe I can handle this.  I will find a way to help you.  Your therapist comes December 3rd and she will help me help you.  I hope and pray this helps.  I love you always even when you are out of control.  Even when I am out of control with you and tears are rolling down my cheeks and you show no reaction to my sadness.  Even when it’s hard I love you…





4 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. Thank you for your honesty, as lonely as the world can feel for these children of ours, it can feel just as lonely for us Mums who endure daily battles. I too swing between total frustration at having no idea what precipitated the latest meltdown to an overwhelming love as they come back down and need a hug and to just know they are loved and accepted. xx


  2. My son has always been verbal, but he went through meltdowns for a period of time.

    Just throwing this out there… our kids often have a hard time with methylation in their brains (you can google this)… My family found a naturopath that works with kids that have Autism, and we have been able to test for food allergies (yep – the kiddo has ’em!), and between a new diet and some supplements, we have had people tell us they don’t believe he has Autism!

    Some people feel that it is controversial to do this method of treatment (it is called biomedical treatment), but it has worked wonders for my son.


  3. I can relate to every word in this post. I get it mama. Completely. You get so sad and frustrated and worn down. And then mad at yourself for feeling those things. It’s like a dang roller coaster. I SO get it. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for Cooper. We are really feeling the effects of lack of language. Add in way too many evaluations and expectations and overall life stress. It’s too much sometimes. And then that little stinker will look at me and smile and I am a goner! Hugs mama!


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